Daddy's Prisoner by Alice Lawrence, Megan Lloyd Davies

doing it right. Suck it, do it properly.’
    It seemed to go on for ever until at last I heard The Idiot groan and felt his hands slacken. I couldn’t bear it, I couldn’t do it again. I felt sick. The smell of him. The dirt on his skin. His hands pushing at me.
    As I raised my head, I felt the back of my throat watering and knew what was going to happen. I tried swallowing it down but it was too late. Vomit poured out of me – splashing The Idiot and falling on to the floor beside the bed.
    ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ he screamed.
    I felt his hand slap me around the back of the head.
    ‘Dirty bitch,’ he roared. ‘You did that on purpose, didn’t you?’
    ‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ I said as I tried to scrape the mess off him. ‘I’m so sorry.’
    I didn’t want him to punch me or worse. I could see his knife box under the bed next to me.
    ‘Get a fucking cloth,’ he roared.
    ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I won’t do it again.’
    ‘No, you fucking won’t, or you know what will happen, don’t you? Just get me cleaned up and get out of my sight.’
    I ran into the kitchen, put a tea towel under the tap and went back into the living room.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ I kept repeating as I tried to clean him.
    ‘You’re worse than useless, aren’t you?’ Dad snapped. ‘You can’t do a thing right, you useless slag. If you do that again I’ll kick your cunt in.’
    My head felt light and I wanted to be sick again but I kept swallowing it down as I scrubbed at Dad’s lap. Why couldn’t I get rid of the mess I’d made? I had to clean off the stain or he would go for me. I thought of the weapons lying close – the sharp knives, the throwing stars with their sharp points. I had to do whatever he wanted or he’d kill me.
    ‘Hurry up!’ he yelled and I scrubbed even harder.
    Suddenly he bent his head down towards mine and looked at me.
    ‘You really are a stupid bitch, aren’t you? You need to practise that and get better.’
    Kneeling on the floor, I looked up at him.
    ‘Because it’s all you’re good for, isn’t it? Cleaning up, looking after the kids and lying on your back.’
    ‘Yes, Dad.’
    ‘Are you listening to me, you dumb bitch?’ he screamed as he raised his hand and I flinched. ‘Don’t go getting ideas about a boyfriend or nothing. I know what you’re up to when you go to the shops. I know you’re eyeing up the boys and hoping one of them might give it to you. But who would? Who would ever think you could be anything other than a used piece of skirt? You’re damaged, used goods, fit for nothing and you’d be in just as much trouble as me if anyone ever found out what we did. They put slags like you in prison, you know.’
    I pushed back the tears burning the back of my throat.
    ‘Can’t do a thing right, can you?’ he sneered as I got up to leave.
    ‘No, Dad,’ I whispered.
    All the time, The Idiot was watching and waiting to get what he wanted from me. It only took a few months for my periods to stop again and when they did I knew I’d been forgotten by the god I’d prayed to. After a week of waiting, I told Dad and he smiled as he heard the news. ‘When were you due?’ he asked.
    ‘Last week.’
    ‘So why didn’t you tell me before?’
    ‘Because I thought it would come.’
    ‘Well, get down to the chemist and get a test done. Here’s the money.’
    I felt a scream ripping up inside me as I walked into the pharmacy, wrote my name on a slip of paper and gave in a urine sample. The minutes slid by until a lady walked up to me and handed me back the slip of paper I’d written on. I unfolded it and saw two words on the page: positive and negative. The box beside positive was ticked. The ground swooped beneath me as I walked home to tell Dad.
    ‘Good,’ he said with a smile, and turned back to the TV.
    Of course, I had to tell Mum as well and the words felt thick in my mouth as I formed them, the lies suffocating me as I spoke.
    ‘It was a one night stand,’ I