The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 by Amanda Egan

put my hands round some scrawny little mummies’ necks and throttle them right now.  I can’t believe it’s all fallen to us again - bloody dog’s bodies, that’s what we are.
     
    Felt it was all worthwhile when Max came home from school excited about the fair with his envelope of raffle tickets in his bag.
     
    I knew he was overly hyped because he was rambling without stopping to draw breath.
     
    “Can we buy all these tickets mummy, can we?  Cos then we might win. Am I going to see the Father Christmas there?  I know it’s not the real one, cos Daddy did it last year.  He was good mummy, wasn’t he?  What’s a MILF?”
     
    I have to admit, I’d tuned out to a lot of what he’d been saying as I’d been too busy bagging up lucky dip prizes.  But I did stop in my tracks at his last comment.
     
    And I played for time - like any panicked mother.
     
    “A what, darling?”  And I was praying that I’d misheard him.
     
    “A MILF, Mummy.  I heard Mr Rooney in the staff room saying that you were one.  Are you?”
     
    Time stood still at that moment and so many things were racing through my head - I didn’t know whether to be shocked or flattered but what I did know was I had to rapidly come up with an explanation that would satisfy my son.
     
    “A MILF, darling … a MILF is a … it’s a Mummy in a Lacy Frock.  Yes that’s what it is.  Remember my nice black one?”
     
    “Oh!”  He carried on sorting out his book bag.  “What’s a frock?”
     
    Tuesday 18 th November
     
    “A mummy in a lacy frock?!” Fenella choked on her Irn Bru when I told her.  “Oh, Lib that’s hilarious!  And very clever of you.  I bet you were shitting it.  Oooer, goss on the gates, the gorgeous Dan’s got the hots for Mrs Marchant.”
     
    Told her to shut up and get on with the Christmas bunting - our first job for the day.  Tedious but necessary.
     
    Think I might have had a secret little smile on my face as I worked but I made sure Fenella didn’t spot it.
     
    PM
     
    Ned actually came home from work on time tonight - a first for a long time.
     
    We enjoyed Nigella’s ‘Succulent Breasts’ and shared a bottle of Pinot.
     
    I made sure I didn’t mention Rooney-Gate - didn’t seem fair really.  There’s no action in the Marchant household at the moment so I felt the information was best kept to myself.
     
    Felt a bit odd really because, once upon a time, we would have had no qualms about sharing anything.
     
    Wednesday 19 th November
    CCL
     
    Got another meeting tonight and I feel a bit nervy.  I don’t think I’ve ever been called a MILF before and I’m not sure how to act.  Am I giving off the wrong signals?
     
    The last known person to fancy me was Pritesh and that was all a bit of harmless fun stoked up by Mrs S.
     
    Just going to pretend to myself that Max never told me what he’d heard and carry on as normal.
     
    Did take extra special care getting ready for the meeting and wore my new lace dress over leggings and boots.
     
    Ned made sure he was home in time to look after Max who, when he saw what I was wearing said “Oh, look Mummy, you’re a MILF again” as he left the kitchen to head upstairs for some Lego.
     
    I looked at a perplexed Ned and muttered, “ Milk , he said he wants to have some milk,” as I grabbed my bag to leave.
     
    PM
     
    Ned was snoring when I got home (thankfully) so decided to get on and work through some stuff for Saturday.
     
    The meeting went well, apart from Fenella nudging me every time Dan spoke to me or smiled at me - will need to have words with her and maybe offer her hush money.
     
    Hinge & Bracket were pleased with the Auction of Promises profits and unfazed by the parents who had reneged on their deals - methinks they’ve seen it time and time again.
     
    Dan offered to help us with the set up of the fair on Friday night and I found myself mentally flicking through my wardrobe for ‘casual but sexy mummy’ wear.
     
    (Need