Granny by Anthony Horowitz

shark’s. He took one step back.
    A huge net fell over his head, reaching down all the way to his feet. He looked up and realized that there was a balcony running along the back of the hall, that there were another ten grannies up there, and that he had been observed from the moment he had come in. It had been they who had dropped the net. Now another four grannies ran forward and seized the corners. He tried to struggle, but it was hopeless. He had been netted like a North Atlantic cod.
    Joe squirmed and kicked, only entangling himself all the more. Somewhere in his mind he swore never to eat another fish stick. But it was too late for that.
    â€œBring him forward!” the old woman cried.
    With the cackling of the grannies all around him, Joe was dragged onto the stage.

8
    THE GRANNYMATIC ENZYME EXTRACTOR
    â€œ Y ou all know me,” the oldest granny exclaimed.
    Joe was on the stage beside her, struggling and straining. The grannies had not only tied him up—that would have been bad enough. They had also fastened him into a straitjacket that they had evidently knitted themselves since it was made out of pink wool.
    â€œMy name is Elsie Bucket,” the woman went on, “and I am the oldest granny in Great Britain. One hundred and six years old today!”
    There was loud applause from the audience, but Elsie Bucket did not smile. She held up a gray, skeletal hand for silence.
    â€œYes,” she said. “I have received seven telegrams from the Queen. Seven telegrams! But have I so much as received one single present? Not on your bippy!” She sniffed. “So much for the Queen!”
    She walked slowly to the front of the stage.
    â€œI am old, and like you, fellow grannies, I do not wish to be old. All my life I have thought about this. I was so afraid of being old that I never actually enjoyed being young. Fortunately, however, I was a brilliant scientist. It was I, for example, who invented the telephone. I can’t tell you how angry I was when my sister called me to tell me it had already been invented. Even so, I managed to invent the telephone bill. From there I went on to invent the electricity meter, cable television, and later, the wheel clamp.
    â€œHowever, my greatest invention has taken me sixty years. It is here tonight. You, dear grannies, have all brought with you one component—as I asked you to do in this very room last year. What a wonderful achievement! From a simple light-bulb to an electrostatic de-energizer, from a long-life battery to a teaspoon of nuclear fuel, you have all brought exactly what I asked of you. But here I must say a special thank-you to Ivy Kettle.” Joe stopped struggling and glowered at his granny, who was sitting in the third row with a smug look on her face. Elsie Bucket gestured at her. “It was Ivy who provided us with the single most important—and potentially the most difficult—component of all. He may be small and rather unhygienic. But he’s real. He’s alive (for the time being). And he’s here. She brought us a boy!”
    â€œA boy! Oh, joy! A boy!”
    The grannies had all gone into ecstasies like very religious people at a prayer meeting. Joe felt the blood rush into his face as they all gazed at him, screeching and clapping, pointing and grinning. One granny had become so excited that she had gone red in the face and keeled over in her chair—but everyone ignored her in the general chaos. Joe was certain that at any moment he would wake up in bed. It was all a nightmare. It had to be. To be tied up in a pink straitjacket in a Devonshire hotel with over five hundred grannies hooting at you—that sort of thing just couldn’t possibly happen in the real world.
    Except that it had. This was no dream.
    â€œAnd so, fellow grannies, no more talk! No more waiting! Let us do what we have so looked forward to doing. And let me show you my invention. Grannies—I give you…the