My Mother Got Married by Barbara Park

There were drops of sweat on his top lip.
    Slowly, almost in slow motion, he straightened up. “You shouldn’t say God, Charrulls,” he said quietly.
    Then, still trembling, he studied the distance between us and inched one more step closer. I was just about to yell at him again when suddenly—with no warning at all—he lunged forward and grabbed for my foot.
    “ No !” I said as his hands reached for my ankle. I pulled my foot away. It was automatic. I didn’t even think about it. I just saw him start to grab me and I pulled away.
    Thomas fell.
    It happened so fast I don’t even remember much about it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. That happens sometimes. You forget what you don’t want to remember.
    All I know is that the roof was steep and Thomas couldn’t catch himself. And he slipped and rolled toward the edge. And then he was gone. Just like that. He fell.
    I heard him hit the ground. I don’t want to talk about it, but I heard that noise.
    Sometimes when emergencies happen you freeze. You want to help, but you can’t. Your brain won’t tell you what to do. I saw a dog get hit by a car once. I couldn’t even scream.
    But this time was different. As soon as I saw what was happening I slid to the window as fast as I could and pulled myself inside.
    “ Mom! Ben! Quick! It’s Thomas! ” I shrieked as loudly as I could. But outside Thomas had already started screaming. And my mother and Ben were racing out the back door to see what had happened.
    I should have gone too. I know I should have. But for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to go down there.
    Instead, I began frantically pacing back and forth on my floor. “At least he’s yelling,” I told myself. “At least he’s not … well, quiet. Quiet is bad. Loud is good. Yelling is loud. Yelling is good.…”
    I just kept babbling on and on like that. I couldn’t stop. If I stopped, I might start to think. And if I started to think … well, I just didn’t want to, that’s all.
    Suddenly downstairs there was a lot of commotion. Lydia came through the front door just as Mom and Ben were helping Thomas out to the car. Their voices mixed together in loud and confused conversation.
    “Hey, what happened? Why’s Thomas crying?”
    “Here, son, here’s a tissue. Hold his arm, Janet.”
    “Quick, Lydia. Open the front door.”
    “Somebody tell me what happened!”
    “He fell. We’re taking him to the emergency room. Are you doing okay, son? Here, wipe your nose. You okay?”
    They whisked him out the front door. A second later Ben’s truck pulled away. I ran to the end of the hall in time to see it turn the corner.
    “Oh God, oh God, oh God …”
    It’s all I could say. It wasn’t praying, exactly. But it wasn’t cussing either.
    “Oh God, oh God, oh God …”
    I tiptoed back to my room. I got in bed and covered up with my bedspread. A second later I got out again. I paced a few more steps, sat down, sat back up, lay down, stood up, and finally buried my head in the pillow.
    He’s okay. Yeah, sure he is. No one yells that loud if they’re not okay. It was just a little tumble, that’s all. A little tumble off the roof. He landed on the grass, right? Grass is soft, right?
    Tears filled my eyes. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. Why would I want to hurt him? Just because I was upset? That didn’t mean anything. Just because I was upset didn’t mean I’d hurt him.
    It was an accident. Yeah, of course it was. I’m positive. I never would have made him fall on purpose. I don’t care if no one believes me, either. I wouldn’t have done a thing like that. If I’d known Thomas was going to fall, I never would have pulled away from him the way I did. Honest to God. I wouldn’t have.
    I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath.
    “Just let him be okay. Come on, God. He’s only five. Just make him all right.”

(eleven)

T
    WO HOURS. That’s how long they were gone. Two hours that seemed more like ten.
    As soon as I heard them