Of Hustle and Heart by Briseis S. Lily

this, our letters to each other have gotten longer—between four and six pages, front and back. His last one to me was yesterday, and at the top of the page, he noted that he’d been writing to me for a whole day. After I read it, I dreamed about going to prom with him, us losing our virginity to each other…
    Anyway, I never try to gain Shannon’s attention when Beatrice is around; I’m just too cool to be fighting over boys. Besides, a boy knows whether he wants a girl or not. You ain’t gotta fight for his attention. My plan is to simply spit it out and confess—to just tell Shannon he should pick me. And I’ll put myself in front of him as often as possible so he can.
    It was announced before the game started that everyone was going to Rico’s after the game—kinda like an after party. This is still set to happen. Perfect.

    As Blanca drives down McKinney Avenue toward Rico’s, she asks how I’m doing. We haven’t talked about the shooting; even I don’t want to. It makes me think about my family, my little brothers. Corey’s funeral is tomorrow. His wake is tonight. I skipped it to come watch Shannon play, but Andrew and Alex’s grief has been with me all evening. I carry it as if it’s my own.
    “The other night, though…” Blanca says, her voice softer than I’d ever heard. “You good, Zina? I don’t want you to be scared all the time because of all that madness.”
    I’m not good. I went to the game because I hoped it would help me forget for a little while…and it did. For the last four hours, I thought only of Shannon; I only saw his face.
    “I’m good,” I lie.
    “Uncle Tony was freaked the fuck out.” She laughs at the thought of our badass uncle being bothered by anything. But her laughter grieves us both.
    “He was?” I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I am.
    “Yeah, girl. He didn’t tell me anything about it, though.” She pauses for a second as she swerves her black Jeep into Rico’s parking lot. “I heard him talking to Leidys about it.”
    Bee slams on the breaks and whips into the first parking spot she sees. “He said he didn’t like seeing you so scared and that he wants to find the guy.”
    “What guy?”
    “The one who saw you.”
    “The one who saw me or the murdering motherfucker?”
    She shrugs. “Shit, Zee. Both, I guess.”
    “It really does scare me to think about it, you know,” I say as Blanca checks her makeup in the rearview mirror. She smiles, but it’s a weak one, meant only to hide her fear. “One of them saw me…I can’t believe it.”
    “That scares Tony too,” she says. “So I think you’re smart to be scared. If you were walking around like everything was chill, I’d think something was wrong with you. Don’t worry, though.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because Uncle Tony…Don’t you trust him?”
    “Yeah.”
    “He’s looking into it. Nothing will happen. You know he won’t let it.”
    I should be relieved, but I’m not.

    It’s Friday night, and Rico’s is packed. The hostess tells us there’s a forty-five minute wait, and then Bee nudges my arm.
    “There’s Rocky over there.” She nods toward a table in the far corner of the dining area, right outside the bar.
    I haven’t seen Shannon yet, and I begin to wonder if he’ll show. I’m sure he’s totally pissed about losing the game; he has to be. The anxiety of trying to figure out what I should do or say to cheer him up is a lot to deal with. Plus, I have to tell him what I want to happen between us. The thought of confessing any sort of romantic feelings to a boy—especially one as tall and talented and handsome as Shannon Smith—makes me want to vomit. We’re already cool with each other, but the possibility of his rejection…I can’t even stand the thought.
    Blanca and I head for Rachel’s table, and I’m surprised to see her sitting alone.
    “Where is everybody?” Blanca asks.
    Rachel shrugs. “On the way, I guess. Can it be May already? I’m ready to