You Might Be a Zombie . . . by Cracked.com

the Western forces played pretend so hard that they even faked a complete missile launch directly at Russia.

    We do not deserve life.
    How come we’re still alive?
    No one knows . all of the KGB’s intel igence indicated a real attack. Many believe that the only reason the Russians held off so long was President Reagan’s noninvolvement in the maneuvers. The British and German leaders were both personal y involved, but the Russians decided no real apocalyptic decision would be complete without Reagan’s half senility. Also, they’re such a notoriously passive and sober people.
    1. THE CASE OF THE URSINE SUPERVILLAIN
    The human race was itching to blow the hel out of itself throughout all of 1962. America was in a state of DEFCON 3, which basical y means that if somebody so much as sneezes they’re getting a nuclear warhead up their ass. So the Duluth Air Defense Sector direction center was natural y in a state of high alert on October 25, the night a security guard spotted a silhouette clambering over the fence. He promptly shot the figure without notice, setting off the saboteur alarm. The alert then relayed to every silo and airbase in the region, presumably advising security to keep a sharp eye out for mustachioed men in black masks and prison-style striped shirts.
    Unfortunately, someone had done a piss-poor job of wiring the alarms at the Volk Field airbase in Wisconsin, so instead of the saboteur alarm, the signal set off the main klaxon. If that alarm goes off in DEFCON 3, it means the situation is absolutely not a dril and that all nuclear bombers need to be launched.
    And that’s exactly what happened: the pilots took their positions, the bombs were armed, the planes started taxiing down the runway, and everybody in the tower probably started boning in typical end-of-the-world fashion.
    How come we’re still alive?
    The wheels were just about to leave the ground when somebody managed to contact Duluth with an urgent message: the “shadowy figure” trying to “sabotage the base” wasn’t a spy . . . it was some asshole bear! A car was sent tearing down the runway and barely managed to signal the pilots before takeoff. Another few minutes, and those bombers would have been beyond contact.
    One stupid, goddamn, jerk-off bear almost ended the entire civilized world.

THE SIX MOST DEPRESSING HAPPY ENDINGS IN MOVIE HISTORY
    MOVIE audiences pretty much demand happy endings. Very few hit films end with the credits scrol ing over dead puppies and weeping children. But sometimes Hollywood slips one past us, giving us a supposedly happy ending that is actually depressing as hel once you give it a little thought. For instance:
    6. BACK TO THE FUTURE
    The “happy” ending
    While on a time-travel adventure, young Marty McFly helps his father become less of a wuss and meet his future wife. After returning to his own time, Marty finds that he has a cool new truck, his formerly dysfunctional family is now happy and affluent, and the school bul y, Biff, has been made into an indentured servant.
    Wait a minute . . .
    Marty’s family doesn’t exist anymore.
    Sure the people in his house look the same, but they have completely different personalities from the people he knew and loved before he hopped in the DeLorean. The utterly different direction their lives took basical y gives his parents personalities as alien to him as pod people from Invasion of the Body Snatchers .
    Not to mention the fact that every single conversation and interaction with his parents will be based on a history he has utterly no memory of. How long until they push to have Marty institutionalized, since every memory from his childhood is from some bizarre alternate reality that no one else shares?
    On top of all that, while the movie wants us to cheer Biff becoming a menial laborer for the McFlys as a nice bit of karmic comeuppance, we can’t help but think that it’s a bad idea to give a house key to the guy who once tried to rape your