Aching to Exhale by Debra Kayn

remember?"
    She nodded.
    "I knew he would never branch off into exporting for the sex trade, and I knew you were safe. Do you hear me? Safe," he said. "My main objective was getting you away from the danger within the Lagsturns while we dealt with Garcia."
    "But, I slept with Rain," she whispered on a sob.
    "I know," he whispered back hoarsely. "Fuck. I thought I'd have you inside the Bantorus club and then bring you back out before anything developed between you and Rain. I expected too much from you, and I don't blame you for going to his bed. Then it was too late, and I thought you'd be better off with someone who could keep you safe. You seemed happy with Rain, and I couldn't give you that."
    "I was happier with you," she said.
    He opened his mouth, closed it, and then continued in a softer voice. "I couldn't face what I'd done when you came back, and I sent you away from me so you could have better than me."
    "To Ethan," she said, each sin branding her soul again as if she replayed her past just speaking his name. "Why? Why did you let me go?"
    Raul stiffened and pushed away. He stalked a few paces away, swiped a rock from the edge of the driveway, and hurled it out into the darkness. She hugged her middle, scared over the tightness of his body. He was a bomb, waiting to explode, and she didn't understand why.
    A few minutes passed, and he hadn't returned to her. She looked up at the house, all the lights were on, and a deep longing to belong within the walls of the home hit her. She'd never had what Rain found. A spouse to love, security of owning his own property that no one could take away, and the freedom to come and go as he liked.
    She looked back at Raul. A life with him would be filled with turmoil, lies, secrets, and danger. God, she had the Mafia after her because of what she'd done for Raul.
    The thought of walking away from him on her own accord tore her heart out. He wasn't the only one living an empty life. He filled her too and without him, she wasn't sure if she could continue living on the outside. She couldn't tell him the truth about what drew her to the Lagsturns.
    If she told him the truth about her, it'd kill any chance they had of being together. Her life wasn't as simple as Raul believed, and she'd walked away from it all to get away from the crippling demands.
    Then the unspeakable happened and killed any chance of going back. The one thing she regretted about her choices stood in front of her. He was impossible to walk away from, and doing so would kill her as much as staying with him would.
    Raul returned to her side, his hands sunk deep in his front pockets. He stood, just looking at her, not saying anything for the longest time. Finally, he said, "Do you love me?"
    She shook her head. "I can't answer that."
    "Can't or won't?" he asked.
    She moistened her lips, wishing more than anything she could tell him who she was, and why it was important no one find out and link her to her parents. She wanted to continue seeing him, because she did love him. It wasn't rational of him to ask her to stay when he couldn't love her the way she needed.
    "I won't." She clamped her teeth together to keep from crying. "It's not fair to me. Don't you see? I deserve more, even though I've done some bad things, and I've let you treat me less than what I deserve. Asking me to lay my heart at your feet without any guarantee that you'll protect it from being stomped…no. I won't go there."
    "All this time, and you never told me no." Raul stared at her intently. "Why didn't you tell me no?"
    "I couldn't," she whispered.
    "Stop with the cant's, won'ts, couldn'ts." He remained where he was standing, giving her space. "Just tell me the fuck why you never told me no?"
    She moaned as she fought the desire to tell him everything. "Because it wasn't only you who felt complete in this relationship. I can no longer tell you no, than deny myself the pleasure of having you in my life. I need you, because without your arms around