The Lair by Emily McKay

those same mind games herself. How often had she laid awake at night playing “what if”? Wondering what she might have done to prevent Mel from ending up dead in a parking lot with her begging a vampire to turn her.
    It was something of an obsession of hers, so she didn’t know why it surprised her to find out that Carter felt the same way. Carter had an almost painful sense of responsibility; of course he was doing the same thing. Even though they’d never talked about it.
    Funny how all this time had passed and Carter and she hadn’t really talked. Oh, they’d made it through their day-to-day lives. They functioned. They certainly functioned on a physical level. Whenever he held her body close to his, whenever he kissed her and made the world fall away, it was easy to lose herself. It was easy to pretend life was normal. This was the way it was supposed to be. That it was okay. That this huge thing hadn’t happened between them—her sister dying, Mel’s influence over them vanishing. Maybe they could both pretend when they touched. Maybe there were just some things that were too difficult to say aloud.
    Or maybe she was a coward.
    Either way, she had this sick feeling in her gut that had nothing to do with the shot Dawn had given her.
    “I don’t blame you,” she told him. And she didn’t. She blamed herself.
    His mouth twisted into an ironic smile. “That’s not my point. My point is, if I’d been more honest, maybe things would have shaken out differently. Six weeks from now, I don’t want to be having this same conversation with myself. I’m done keeping things from you because I’m trying to protect you.”
    He paused like he was waiting for her to say something.
    So she nodded, even though her gut told her she wouldn’t like where this was going. “Okay.”
    “This isn’t working.”
    That queasy feeling in her gut coalesced into dread. “Okay,” she repeated numbly, even though it was not okay.
    “I don’t see how I can do this anymore. I can’t—” He broke off, turning away from her so she couldn’t read his expression at all. “Look, I know you expect me to be this great leader of the rebellion or something. But I can’t do that. I can’t be that guy and be your guy. I can’t do both. It’s not fair. Not to anyone. I’m fundamentally not okay sending you into dangerous situations.”
    “Carter, I can take—”
    “Don’t tell me you can take care of yourself. I know that.” He plowed his hand through his hair. “Jesus, you think I don’t know that? You handled yourself better than Jacks or Stu. You took care of it. I’m not saying you didn’t. You handled things a hell of a lot better than I did. That’s the problem. Don’t you get it?”
    “No,” she answered honestly. Because she didn’t get what he was saying at all. “What’s the problem?”
    “I fucked up.”
    She wanted to disagree. He hadn’t messed up. He’d made a tough call in a tough situation. He’d done the best he could. No one would ask more than that.
    “I will continue to eff up anytime you’re in danger. It’s that simple. You said it yourself. I effed up big time with Armadale. If his kid hadn’t been there . . .” Carter broke off, shaking his head. “When I saw that he’d shot you, I lost it. If his kid hadn’t been there, I might have beaten him senseless.”
    “But his kid was there.”
    “You think that makes me feel better?”
    Her throat tightened. There were a hundred things she wanted to say but none of them were right. So she just sat there, swallowing her fear and her yearning, just like she swallowed the nausea churning in her stomach.
    He must have realized she didn’t have an answer, because he stopped waiting for one. “That’s what kills me about this, Lily. Everybody expects me to be the leader of this rebellion, but I don’t have the head for it. When it comes to shit like this, I’m never going to make the right decision. When you’re in danger, I’m