Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die: Musings From the Road by Kinky Friedman, Willie Nelson

I’ll blow you for that toaster.”
    A man in the used-car lot was looking around and kicking tires. The salesman said, “You thinking about buying a car?” The man said, “No, I’m going to buy a car; I was thinking about pussy.”
    One night in Nashville, in a snowstorm, me, Roger, and Kris were sitting around in our hotel trying to write a song. We were there all night and all we could come up with was “I got AIDS; if you fuck with me I’ll kill you.” Roger was one of the greatest songwriters of our time. He wrote songs like “When Two Worlds Collide,” “When Your House Is Not a Home,” “Old Friends,” “England Swings,” and “You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd” . . . Thank you, Roger!
    IT’S NOT FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND
    I passed a home the other day
    The yard was filled with kids at play
    But on the sidewalk of this home
    A little boy stood all alone
    His smiling face was sweet and kind
    But I could see the boy was blind
    He listened to the children play
    Bowed my head and there I prayed
    Dear Lord above, why must this be
    And then these words came back to me
    After all you’re just a man
    But it’s not for you to understand
    It’s not for you to reason why
    You too are blind without my eyes
    So question not what I command
    It’s not for you to understand
    Now when I pray my prayer is one
    I pray your will not mine be done
    For after all I’m just a man
    And it’s not for me to understand
    Y OU KNOW YOU SHOULDN ’ T BE READING THIS BS, IT COULD RUIN you for all time to come. You could end up a social outcast like me, an outlaw . . . OMG!
    As my old friend Ben Dorsey says, “If you need a friend, buy a dog.”
    M ARCH 2012
    Ziggy Marley and his family are visiting with us today. He played a show on Maui last night. He is a great family man and has a beautiful family. We recorded a song called “This Train” together once, for his children’s CD. I think he won a Grammy. It’s good to see him again. I still have to get him back on the poker table. He goes to Australia next. His whole family is into music. It’s nice to be able to play music with your family. All my family is into music too.
    Me, Sister Bobbie, Susie, Paula, Amy, Lukas, and Micah, and even Annie plays bass. Lana is the only one who is not a musician. She is so talented in so many other ways, like writing, art, and making videos, and she has a great sense of humor. She can turn trash into a thing of beauty. I’m lucky to have her on the bus with me.
    LANA NELSON
    It is an honor and a privilege to be the Flighty Attendant aboard the Honeysuckle Rose tour bus. I hate to call it a bus; it’s actually more of a member of the family than a bus. More time will be spent wrapped in these steel arms than anywhere else in the world. It’s a dear friend that’s also a home. Some days it’s just a handful of us onboard, leisurely traveling across America the beautiful, but other times we are packed so tight folks are sleeping on the floors. Every day is a different challenge. I will be serving, cooking, cleaning, and assisting with luggage and various secretarial chores. My duties may change daily, but my desire to be there doesn’t.
    All I have ever wanted to be or do was to work with Dad and help him with his career, to be his head cheerleader. I would listen to his radio shows when he was a local DJ and I was a toddler. My favorite song was “Redheaded Stranger,” a song by Arthur Smith that he would play on his noon radio show. He would sing it to me at night to put me to sleep and he promised someday he would record it so I could listen to it whenever I wanted to.
    I cried when he sold his song “Family Bible” because I thought no one would ever know how talented he was if his name wasn’t on the record. Dad was sweet and explained to me how we really needed the fifty dollars and everything would be okay. He made another promise: that someday he would buy us enough land to stretch as far as we can see and