Pantomime by Laura Lam

some night? You can't ever lose focus."
      "Someone's going to hit me with something when I'm sixty feet in the air?"
      "They might have a very strong arm."
      "Then we can recruit them to the circus and replace the strongman. Did you know that his barbells are fake? Even I could lift them a bit!"
      "Yes, it's true that he's more fat than muscle," she said as I continued walking across the rope, trying not to wobble and weave as much. "Bil's had plenty of men stronger who wished to join, but they weren't as big and Bil is all about appearances."
      Aenea pulled a wisp of brown hair out of her face and furrowed her eyebrows. I itched to reach out and touch her hair. In our time practicing, she remained teasing but detached, aside from the odd flirtation, which left me flustered. I could not stop thinking about her, and frequently felt tongue-tied when she spoke to me. Did I like her, a girl? Was it wrong to like her? Did she like me?
      "You look so ungraceful," she said.
      "I'm trying," I said, slumping down in the middle of the rope and dangling my legs. "I haven't been sleeping well," I added, which was a gross understatement. Dreams of the Phantom Damselfly haunted me nightly, and I woke up covered in cold sweat, wondering what it meant and unable to go back to sleep. "Why are you being so hard on me? It almost makes me wish to give up."
      "Would you give up that easily?"
      "I said 'almost!' I don't plan to give up. This is the only thing I can see myself doing. But I'm trying as hard as I can."
      She relaxed. "I can see that. And you're learning."
      "Really?" I asked.
      "Really. Last season, we took on another hopeful trapeze replacement for Arik. The boy showed great promise. He had been trained in one of the smaller circuses. But weeks passed and he did not improve at all. The boy was as good as he was going to get, which is probably why he left the other circus. He was rather displeased when we let him go before we carried onto Cowl. Arik was devastated. He was hoping to retire last year. We were planning to try to steal another already trained trapeze artist from Imachara when we got there, but you would be far cheaper. Trained, very good artists cost a pretty penny."
      I gazed at my feet in reply.
      "I'm only hard on you because I want you to be a competent partner," she said.
      "I understand. You're going to put your life in my hands and I'll put mine in yours."
      She looked at her toes. "I'm sorry if it made you feel I disliked you." The words were frank, almost childlike.
      "Thank you." She looked up, gave me a smile, and hopped up beside me, her side pressing against mine. I felt a stirring between my legs and crossed them quickly, mortified.
      Arik padded over and sat on my other side. I felt a surge of kinship, yet sadness at how little I knew of their lives. All I knew of Aenea's parents were that they had also been performers, but I did not know if they still performed or even if they were still alive. Arik's parents had been merchants with a failing business, and he had run away early to support himself and lessen the burden on them, sending home what money he could. It did not help – their business still failed and they died a few years later.
      "What if I don't improve more than I already have?" I asked.
      "You're catching on quickly enough. It just takes time. For goodness sake, it's not even been a month yet," Arik said.
      I pitched my voice lower, my eyes darting toward Frit up in the stands. Bathed in the sodium light of the gas globe, she scribbled in an open book in her lap. She returned my gaze. "How much longer are you planning on staying?"
      Arik stared at a patch in the tent canvas. "I don't know. Depends on you," he said with a smile in my direction. "Let's get to practicing and find out, shall we?"
     
    The days settled into a routine.
      While most of the circus had seemed content to ignore me as much as possible, others were