The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections by Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf

trying to show me. So today a compliment that comes too easily I swat away and don’t internalize. But the same is true at the opposite end of the feedback spectrum because all my life I had to brace myself for the honest assessment from my dad, who despite his best efforts to be supportive always delivered the untarnished truth about my performance ( pretty good has always been high praise in his book).
    I now find I’m often defensive, and expect criticism even before it’s delivered. While I value constructive or critical feedback more than an easy compliment or flattery, it’s also true that I get defensive even when the person doesn’t intend to be critical. My “preemptive” move is to sometimes be overly critical of myself before anyone else can level a harsh remark, as a way of being self-deprecating and trying to defuse a situation. Or I’ll lob an offensive comment at the other person when I anticipate criticism coming my way.
    This combination of warm, intuitive mom and critical, intellectual dad meant I had to find my own way through their extreme pings and figure out what was real for me. Now I’m grateful for both of their approaches, since it means I can pretty much figure out what’s real, what’s flattery, and what’s vitriol; today I listen to my own calibrated inner compass, and that serves me well most of the time.
    A saying that I learned long ago, “You’re not as good as your best days, and you’re not as bad as your worst days,” has gotten me through the ups and downs of running a magazine. Another favorite is “Don’t believe the hype.” Meaning you can get a great review or win a big award one day, and then get berated by a blogger another, but you still have to get to work and do your best every day, earn your next success. Working hard and surrounding myself with people who willingly and liberally disagree with me—in almost every meeting—has helped too. (Pinging like true familymembers!) But then I still have to make the call, make the final decision and move ahead, for better or worse, following my gut.
    How do you do that? Part of it is mastering the type of thinking described in this chapter. First you have to understand where those outside critical pings are coming from, then you modify those ideas with your own notions about what’s right for you and what’s someone else’s baggage that you don’t need to carry.
    Catherine reminds us that pinging is always complicated because every ping comes from an individual who brings to it their own experiences. A tough parent may have had his own tough parents or could be the product of softies and is reacting against that. A pushover parent may be reacting against a strict upbringing and trying to be the kind of parent he wished he’d had. Either way the pingers usually mean no harm, and the sooner you figure that out, the easier it is not to let a ping sting. But don’t forget to listen, because most pings have a little bit of helpful information embedded in the message.
    Pinging Goes Both Ways
    We also ping, giving out feedback to those around us. We send pings to those we love, and hopefully make sure they’re authentic. Let’s say your child refuses to practice the piano but wants you to tell her she’s playing well enough for the recital next week. You ping, “Well, if you want to play better, you have to practice more! You get better every time you play that piece!” If she practices plenty but still misses notes, your ping can be more forgiving but still honest. “You sound great, honey. There were a couple spots that need smoothing but you’ll get it together by next week.” Even if you want to say something sarcastic, like, “I could have read a book in the time it took you to find that note!” you have to bite your tongue and rephrase it in a loving way. The best pings are when you manage to both keep it supportive and keep it real.
    Imagine your child doesn’t do well in a baseball game…three