Emergency! by MD Mark Brown

so that he could go on a fishing trip. He had his fishing gear on and was obnoxious. The mother-in-law was also obnoxious … but not sick.
    Two psychiatric patients had met in our hospital and married. They came in one night insisting that they had been sexually assaulted by aliens and requested an examination.
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    A fifty-year-old woman came in to the ER with multiple problems, most of which were very difficult to solve. She had recently divorced her husband and married her twenty-year-old stepson. Her new husband sucked his thumb and was very weird. The more I inquired about the lady’s problems, the more bizarre the story became. I finally asked the lady what I could do to help her. Her answer: “Just sing me some country music.”
    SYLVIA SYDOW, M.D.
    Denver, Colorado
   

CONSTIPATION
    O ne evening a middle-aged man was brought in via ambulance with severe abdominal pain. He related a history of constipation unrelieved by Fleet enemas or laxatives. Frustrated, he gave himself an enema of his own special concoction—Drano! He went directly to surgery. The surgeons later told me that his entire colon was “charcoaled.” He lived for about two weeks before dying of overwhelming abdominal infection.
    DAVID VILABRERA, M.D.
    Holliswood, New York

DOCTOR KNOWS BEST
    A n adolescent female came to the Emergency Department with a complaint of lower abdominal pain. The emergency physician took a thorough history and did a complete physical examination, including a pelvic exam. All this was normal. Although the patient denied any sexual activity, the physician had been surprised before, so he sent off a serum pregnancy test. The test came back positive. The physician returned to the young woman’s room.
    DOCTOR : “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”
    PATIENT : “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”
    DOCTOR : “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”
    PATIENT : “No. Who?”
    SCOTT OSLUND, M.D.    
    Sunnyvale, California

THE GRAPES OF WRATH
    A young woman signed in complaining of a purple discharge. I had heard of green, yellow, pink, and other assorted shades, but purple? She was taken back to one of the OB/GYN exam rooms, and the pertinent questions were asked: Are you pregnant? When was your last period? How many times have you been pregnant? And so on. One question drew an interesting response.
    â€œAre you using any type of birth control?” she was asked.
    â€œYes,” she responded, “a diaphragm.” I was delighted. It seemed so few of our patients did use contraceptives.
    â€œBut I’ve only been using it a few days,” she added. I nodded.
    â€œSo tell me about the purple discharge,” I continued.
    â€œAin’t much to tell. I got the prescription filled for the diaphragm that the doctor gave me and the discharge started almost right away. I thought maybe I was allergic to it or something.”
    â€œSo the discharge started almost as soon as you began using the diaphragm,” I reiterated. She nodded affirmatively. “And you’re using the spermicide jelly with it?” I asked.
    â€œLook. The doctor told me to use the diaphragm and the jelly with it, and I did,” she said.
    I nodded understanding, then had a sudden flash of insight.
    â€œWhat kind of jelly are you using in the diaphragm?”
    â€œI don’t remember—I think it was grape.”
    BARBARA NUTINI, R.N.     
    Independence, Kentucky

THE LONG WAY HOME
    A ninety-two-year-old woman suffered a full cardiac arrest at home and her family called for an ambulance. The ambulance transported the patient with CPR in progress.
    She arrived in our ER and, after thirty minutes, we were unable to resuscitate her. I pronounced her dead and went out to tell her seventy-eight-year-old