Sister Freaks by Rebecca St. James

appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself and became obedient to death—
    even death on a cross!
    (Philippians 2:5-8 )

4
    kate
    Free from Fear
    I
am confident of this: God has never abandoned, and will never abandon, me.
For most of her life, Kate doubted this truth. Certain that hurt was coming her way, she set out to protect her heart. She believed friends and family eventually would abandon her, so somehow God would too.
    Kate’s fear didn’t make any rational sense—she knew that. She had a home that was the envy of others. Her parents were loving and devoted Christians. Yet Kate’s heart sank every time her father pulled out of the driveway for a business trip.
Will he come back?
she’d think.
No. No, he won’t—I’m sure of it.
    Kate doesn’t know how all this started, but as she grew so did her fear that she would be alone. By junior high she wasn’t spending any time developing friendships; it was far too risky. Without any friends to distract her, she threw herself into her studies. Her 4.0 GPA proved she was self-sufficient and safe, she thought. Kate graduated from junior high with the highest marks in her class, but not one friend.
    Even though Kate had been busy closing herself off, she had a tiny vulnerable spot: she wanted to be liked. She wanted to sit in the lunchroom with other kids and laugh. She wanted to be understood. At the start of her freshman year of high school, Kate joined the drama team. Fortunately, it came with a ready-made group of friends. In fact, most of her new drama cohorts were upperclassmen. Kate began to open up just a little.
    As the semester progressed, she dropped her defenses one by one. She let down her guard in every area except dating. That was still too scary, and Kate wasn’t sure she should be dating at that point in her life anyway. Not a big deal. But her friends noticed and a rumor started. Soon all her newfound “friends” had heard the gossip and started questioning, “Are you really gay?” No matter how much Kate protested, the questions-turned-accusations continued. Snapping shut again, she felt abused, misunderstood . . . and abandoned.
    As the months passed, Kate’s anger grew. It seemed obvious God couldn’t fix this one. Determined to stop the rumor, she took it into her own hands. She became obsessed with finding a boyfriend. You can imagine her shock at her success when within a few weeks three boys expressed interest.
Finally,
Kate thought,
this whole mess will go away
. But, for some reason, none of them ever asked her out. Her new label seemed as if it would never be erased.
    One day, she went home, slammed her door, and turned her rage on God: “Why are You letting this happen to me? The solution is so simple! I need a boyfriend! Why can’t You come through for me just this once?”
    A few days later Kate realized God
had
come through for her—big-time. A friend told her that two of the boys who had been flirting with her had been asking out lots of freshman girls. All they were interested in was “getting some.” Kate sat stunned and humbled. She realized,
My heavenly Father’s hand has been on me all along. He has not gone on a business trip; He has been busy building a hedge of protection around me.
    Things started looking up, and during her sophomore year in high school a Bible study began to meet at Kate’s house. She thought her heart would be safe if she surrounded herself with other Christians. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way. One day Kate was asked to help resolve a conflict between two of the students, Rob and Lara. She was glad to help. She dug up Scripture that applied and gave her findings to Rob. The whole situation ended up spinning out of control and Lara’s group of friends left the Bible study—furious with Kate.
    She cried out to God: “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep on putting myself out there just to be hurt and rejected!” Kate had already forgotten God doesn’t forsake His