Web Site Story by Robert Rankin

Derek.
    'You'd better press the button. She doesn't know me.'
    'Securiscan meter in your shoulder bag? I don't understand.'
    'Just push the button please. We are also being scanned from across the street. I think we are about to be shot at.'
    'Oh God, oh damn, oh me oh my,' said Derek, pushing the bell button.
    Kelly pushed Derek suddenly aside. The deathly rattle of machine-gun fire came swiftly to her ears. Bullets ripped along the ground. And there was an explosion.
    'Oh God!' screamed Derek, covering his head. 'We're going to die! We're going to die!'
    Smoke and explosions, machine-gun fire mayhem and approaching death with no salvation? Off into the blackness of forever. Not to be borne up to The Rapture. Derek cowered and shivered and uttered certain prayers.
    The lock on the gate clicked open. Kelly's hand reached out to Derek.
    'Come with me, if you want to live,' she said.

6
    Derek's Aunty Uzi (named after a product that cleans up in its own particular way) was what you would call a fine-looking woman. At least to her face, anyway. She stood all of six feet four in her holistic Doveston footwear, which she'd customized with a nice line of studs. For those who love a tattoo, her buttocks were the place to be. And for those who favour a duelling scar, her forehead was the business.
    'On your feet, soldier,' said Derek's aunty. 'Falling asleep on parade, is it?'
    Derek fussed and fretted. He was curled up upon a doormat that had long worn out its welcome, in a hallway where the angels feared to tread. Outside the gunfire was sporadic, with only the occasional bullet ricocheting from the armoured porch or bouncing off the titanium steel of the window boxes.
    'He was always a cringing wimp,' said Derek's aunty to Kelly. 'Living the high life with the toffs in Brentford has softened him up even more.'
    'People were shooting at us.' Derek remained in the foetal position, which seemed to suit him just fine. 'This is London in the twenty-first century. I knew things were grim here. But this…'
    Derek's aunty rolled her eyes at Kelly. 'Would you care for a cup of tea, my dear?' she asked.
    'Do you have anything stronger?'
    'I can put two tea bags in your cup.'
    'That should hit the spot.'
    'Well, we girls will just leave you to your cringing, Derek. OK?'
    Derek made silly whimpering sounds. Aunty Uzi led Kelly away into the kitchenette. 'They weren't even shooting to kill,' she said. 'They were just having a bit of fun.'
    Kelly looked all around and about the kitchenette. It was grim as kitchenettes go, but kitchenettes always are.
    A pokey thing is a kitchenette and this particular one was made all the more pokey due to the stacks of ammunition boxes and the grenade launchers which leaned against the cooker, beside the Mute Corp wonder mop and the Mute Corp sweeper.
    'Is your water filtered?' Kelly asked.
    'Oh you're good,' said Aunty Uzi. 'Very good.'
    Kelly's hand moved up to her hair, but then moved down again. 'Good?' she said. 'Whatever do you mean?'
    'Cool,' said Aunty Uzi. 'Very cool.'
    'I try not to panic. Panic costs lives. Lost lives lose large battles.'
    'You were in the marines.'
    'I did my national service.'
    Derek's aunty boiled up water and did what you have to do with it to make two cups of tea. 'Derek dodged his national service,' she said, stirring the tea with a four-teen-inch commando knife.
    'I didn't know you could dodge national service,' said Kelly.
    'Don't ever make the mistake of trusting Derek. He's a man who will always let you down.'
    'I heard that,' called Derek from the hall.
    Aunty Uzi handed Kelly a cup of something loosely resembling tea. 'So,' she said. 'Kelly Anna Sirjan, aged twenty-two, no convictions, no breaches of the civil code. Three degrees and a 12th Dan Master of Dimac. What's a lady like you doing hanging around with a jerk like my nephew?'
    Kelly shrugged. 'I'm on attachment to the
Brentford
Mercury.
He's showing me around.'
    'Still cool,' said Aunty Uzi. 'You're not going to