It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth by Steve Bluestein

of a gig.
     
    I get on the plane and sure enough there is my seat. The flight is uneventful and we arrive at Kennedy. I step off the plane and there is a limo driver holding up a card with my name on it. He hands me an envelope and takes me to the hotel. The Plaza!  He tells me he'll pick me up at 8 a.m. tomorrow for an 11 a.m. taping. No problem. I write down his name and number... I'm having Interpol check him out.
     
    The next morning I'm in the lobby at 8 a.m. sharp. No driver. No driver at 9, 9:30 or 10:00.  Ah-huh, this is what I have been waiting for!  I call the studio. "Is there some mix-up?" And what I learn is that the show has been cancelled. AH-HUH!  Here it comes. I'm going to be stranded in New York. But I'm told the driver will be over with my check and "Why don't you keep the limo for the day."  And now I understand exactly  what's going to happen... the check is going to bounce.  These people are full of shit. I’m sure of it.
     
    The driver comes with my check and he takes me all over New York. We go shopping at Bloomingdales, we go to the theater, I see friends.... it's a whole day of me in a Limo in New York City. When he drops me off at the hotel, he tells me he'll pick me up at 11 tomorrow to take me back to the airport. I think, "Sure you will." 
     
    The next morning I’m up early and call for a cab. I'm waiting for it when the limo driver shows up at the hotel. Now I'm starting to get worried. I see myself being kidnapped or wearing cement shoes in the East River. But no, he takes me to the airport. What the fuck is going on here? He tells me someone will be waiting for me in LA to drive me home.  Ah! That's where the murder will take place.
     
    OK, I figure since there is no problem with the limo, it must be the airline tickets. I go to the first class window and sure enough there are my tickets. But I'm still not convinced. I board the plane. I'm not convinced. I drink the OJ. I'm not convinced. And then it happens.... "Excuse me, sir." AH EFFING HUH! Here it is!!!! This is what I've been waiting for...OK, honey, let me have it!  "We are sold out in first class and if you move back to coach I'll give you a thousand dollar travel voucher."  I just look at her. "OK...two thousand". I'm dumb struck. "Three thousand and not a penny more".
     
    So I'm sitting in coach reviewing my trip. First class to New York, limo pick up, hotel, food, limo for the day, limo to the airport, 3000 dollars in travel vouchers.  The check is definitely bouncing.
     
    The plane lands and there is my driver... he takes my luggage and drives me home. He leaves, I tip him, wave good-bye and run inside to get my car keys. I throw my bags on the comforter that no one is allowed to sit on (that's how rushed I was) and run to the bank to deposit the check.  Six working days later it bounces like a kiddy bouncy hut. I'm not so stupid... with a head cold I can smell bad fish.  But, in this case, it's not all bad. I had earned 15000 air miles and 3000 dollars in travel vouchers...lemons to lemonade.
     
    The following week the limo driver called me. "Did your check bounce?"  I told them yes and then learned the checks to the airline, the hotel, the restaurants... they all bounced. The TV show was a scam to the tune of 250 Thousand dollars. I was not the only person who got the royal flushed treatment... many entertainers had been flown out. It was the weirdest show biz experience of my life but I came out smelling like a rose.
     
    I decided to take my travel vouchers and buy a ticket to Paris and this is where it gets good.
     
    March 22, 2006 - TRIP TO PARIS Part II
     
    OK, so I had been given a 3000-dollar travel voucher and was about to purchase a ticket to Paris for the dream trip of a lifetime. Then I remembered I was agoraphobic. I can't go to a country where I didn't speak the language, who would feel my forehead to see if I had a temperature? How could I ask where suicide prevention was? Who would cut my