Butter Safe Than Sorry by Tamar Myers

would have sunk that wooden tub (of course, I don't believe this sacrilege).
    "Magdalena, get ahold of yourself," I said. At least I thought I said that, but my teeth seemed to be stuck together with taffy, and although I could move my lips, no sound was coming out of my throat.
    I tried again. And again. Then again. Finally I could hear a muffled sound, like a voice underwater. I started struggling physically, making swimming motions, even though I was standing in the middle of the parlor--except that I wasn't.
    "Well, ding dang dong dang it!" I swore, when I woke up on the settee, having whacked the back of my hand on some carved wooden roses along the back. "I must have fallen asleep on this genuine reproduction Victorian love seat."
    There was no response--from anyone. No withering, critical grandmother to tell me that I'd paid far too much for a fake that was probably carved in a sweatshop somewhere in China from wood that had been stripped from the last of patch of rain forest on the island of Borneo. I was alone in my inn, alone with my mouth and my thoughts, and the realization that it was really all my doing.
    However, since there is nothing to gain by dwelling on the past--at least, not without an audience--I quickly decided to concentrate on the future. The near future. After all, the evening was yet young, and I had miles to go before I'd peep.

    "You want to do what ?" Agnes barked into the phone.
    "You heard me: I want to play Peeping Magdalena."
    "You're my best friend, and I thought I knew all your tricks, but this is a new one."
    "Well, I'm all alone--and don't ask why--so I thought this might be the perfect time to fit in some sleuthing."
    "The Russian!" I felt a mild shock, as a surge of electrical impulses flowed from Agnes over the wires and to my ear. The woman was besotted with Surimanda Baikal. Frankly, it was unseemly--it was probably even forbidden somewhere in the Book of Leviticus.
    "No, dear, not her--although come to think of it, I should take this opportunity to hoof it up my impossibly steep stairs and riffle through her belongings."
    "You wouldn't!" Agnes sounded positively gleeful. "Magdalena, what if you get caught? What if it's a trap of some kind?"
    "Riffle first, rue later," I said blithely.
    "Ooh, you're bad," she said. "In a fun sort of way. Me? I'm just plain old boring Agnes. Boring, fat Agnes. Do you know I haven't had a single date since that jerk dumped me?"
    She was referring to a visitor from one of the square states who swept round Agnes off her feet, proposed marriage, but then left her standing at the altar. If you ask me, she hasn't quite found her footing since then.
    "Well, tonight's your chance to shake it up a bit, because I'm inviting you to come along peeping with me--nay, I insist that you accompany me."
    "Really?"
    "Forsooth. I'll be there in twenty. We'll split the difference and meet in ten in front of the police station. I'll drive from there."
    "Uh--hey, you know I'd really love to do that; in fact, you don't know how much I'd love to, but tonight's really not good for me."
    It was then that I first heard a voice in the background. A woman's voice, perhaps.
    "Oh," I said. "Do you, perchance, have company?"
    "Don't be absurd, Magdalena. You know I never have company--well, sometimes I still get my monthly visitor, but the doctor says even he won't be stopping in much longer."
    I jiggled a pinkie in my ear to make sure it wasn't clogged. "You're monthly visitor is a he ?"
    "Well, I guess I never thought about that until now. But he's silent, messy, and a pain in the--"
    "There! I heard it again. Whose voice is that?"
    "No one's."
    "No one doesn't have a voice, so I'm not buying it. Are the uncles over? Did they bring women? Because I thought they were gay."
    "Only one is gay," Agnes whispered, "and for the millionth time, I'm not telling you which one. But no, it's not them. It's the strumpet."
    "Who?"
    "Dorothy Yoder."
    " Oh . What's she doing there?"
    "She says